I’m convinced that parents-to-be have a self-preservation based hearing problem. Because you can tell them everything they need to know before having a baby and then they will say “nobody ever told me this!” 

I know this because I make my living from giving parents-to-be all the advice and tools required for them to know all the things you wish you knew before having a baby and I’m quite confident I deliver the information in a very clear and very easy to understand way. But, it’s in one ear and out the other.  I can confirm this because I’m known in my close circle of friends as the doula who tells the whole truth about birth and parenting and I do NOT sugarcoat it. So when a friend has a baby and has the audacity to say “Nobody ever told me it would be this way with a baby!” I have a patent-pending look that I give them. (It’s a smirk and an eye roll, the patent won’t be approved.)

Joking aside, because I absolutely support them in whatever they’re struggling with, I do sometimes add in a little “Oh, I definitely told you, but you did not want to hear it at the time. Lucky for you, I’m here now to talk you through it again.”

So here it is, folks. The unfiltered, uncensored list of Things You Wish You Knew Before Having a Baby. And don’t worry, it isn’t full of “you love them more than you ever imagined” kind of BS. This is real stuff, the nitty-gritty.

#1- Babies sleep like absolute shit and it will be the main reason why you will dislike the first 6 months of their life.

There is little you can do to change this. Most sleep training isn’t recommended until at least 4 months if you even choose that route, and if you do, you must know that it mostly involves letting your baby scream in their crib while you question everything about yourself. You will be so over-tired from constant wakings during the night that you will either regret having a baby altogether, turn into a vicious zombie-troll parent, or you’ll hire an overnight doula. There is no other option. The unicorn babies that “sleep through night” are so few and far between, although it will seem like every parent on the internet except you got one of those models. People lie and tell half-truths to make things sound better than they are. Remember finally meeting that *amazing* guy your friend was dating and realizing you must have different ideas about what amazing means? Being a good sleeper is also a subjective statement.

#2- The baby will be a bomb, not a bandaid for your relationship. So plan accordingly.

This one is obvious to me, and can be a bit awkward because when I meet with people the deed is already done, but please think about this before you conceive! If your relationship is on the rocks, the baby will NOT help. Have you ever watched The Amazing Race? (I’m old, I know) You do not want to end up being that couple that screams at each other the entire time as they race around trying to solve challenges, being sleep deprived, learning new things each day… you get it right? You want to be the team of underdogs, the married couple that looks so boring and nerdy but then totally kills it because they communicate and work together and they don’t yell at each other the whole time! Discuss expectations, figure out how to juggle the household labour, and plan to become each other’s biggest support system.

#3- The birth will NOT go as planned but you still need to plan for it.

This is hard to wrap our heads around, I get it. How can you plan for something that can’t be planned? You prepare for it. You talk about it. You research the potential scenarios, you hire a doula (you saw that one coming I hope!). Please, do not go with the flow and then expect the flow to take you where you want to go without even knowing where that destination is. This happens so rarely and usually by fluke. Most people end up with a birth scenario far more complicated than they imagined and a good birth experience sets us up for a good postpartum experience. We do not want to leave this to chance. Birth is messy and emotional and IT MATTERS, a LOT. So don’t gloss over this part and think that all that matters is a healthy baby. This is a bare minimum not a gold standard!

#4- Your body will be completely foreign and pretty awful for the first 6 weeks. It does get better but it will scare you.

Stretchmarks. Patchy dry skin. Perineal tearing. C-section scar. Bloody nipples. Bleeding for weeks afterwards. Hair falling out (this comes later). Pick at least 2. I remember feeling like I was walking around in someone else’s body at first. My bones felt like they weren’t where they used to be. My breasts were all different shapes and sizes. I couldn’t face the water in the shower because my nipples were so sore. I was hesitant to put my hands between my legs to wash myself. Whose vulva was this? I was scared to look.

Luckily, it doesn’t (shouldn’t!) last forever. The vaginal bleeding post birth will last few a few weeks and should taper off. The stitches you might get on your tummy or perineum will dissolve and you will recover. Your breasts will eventually figure themselves out. Your nipples won’t hurt forever. But it will take a lot longer than you think before you feel like yourself and you may never feel the same. And that’s okay. You’re different now.

#5 You cannot just pick up and leave your house. There are no exceptions to this rule.

Leaving the house becomes an algebraic equation. If X takes us 40 minutes and each sock has to be put back on twice before we leave and feeding takes X plus 45 minutes what time should we plan to leave? The answer is, you’re not going to be on time. Sorry!

Everyone thinks that what has applied to every other parent in the world throughout history will not apply to them. We’re cocky like that, aren’t we? “We won’t let this baby change us/slow us down/change our lifestyle choices/mess up our sex life/ruin our home decor style” Ummmm, hate to break it to you (actually, no I love this stuff) you are not special. This is not the first baby ever born in the world, other people do know what they’re talking about when they explain how having a baby did change them. Listen to them. They probably have something to impart. Or maybe they need to vent.

#6 Breastfeeding your baby will rival getting your Master’s Degree as hardest thing you’ve ever done.

There’s no easy way to use your body to feed a baby. There is no better, and at the same time worse, design when it comes to breasts and their function for feeding babies. Why can’t they be detached so someone else can use them while we sleep? Why don’t all sexes have breasts that can easily make milk? I get it, they’re right there, close-by at all times, the milk warm and ready to sustain life. So beautiful, so amazing! (Really, breastmilk is absolutely out of this world amazing!) But, f*ck! It’s hard and it takes up a lot of time. There’s a reason that IBCLCs, the gold standard expert on breastfeeding, require hours and years of training and certification to support you. Yes, it should be “natural” but so is sex and lots of people aren’t very good at that either, right? It takes patience, listening, and learning. The initiation is by fire though and you’re tossed in with very little preparation, nobody else around who has done it (most partners haven’t breastfed, family and friends are often really unreliable support people despite their intentions). Get help! I cannot stress that enough. We help, IBCLCs (lactation consultants) and even the CLSC and Nourri Source group can help.

Listen, this list makes it sound like having a baby is the worst idea in the world. I promise you, it isn’t. But it’s not rainbows and unicorns and butterflies. It’s hard work, it’s very tiring, and you will be challenged. You will question your choice at least once (or a dozen times). You will make it through but you’re gonna cry a few times and you’re going to need help. Lots of it.