You deserve to be heard.

Every once in a while I will treat a prenatal class or my doulas clients to a rant about the patriarchy. I used to apologize, until one day a man in one class started clapping in appreciation and I thought, okay maybe we’re onto something! So, I’ve got something to say. 

You are having a baby. You are not therefore a baby. 

Which means that all of your prenatal care, your labour and delivery, the interactions you have with the medical staff, with strangers on the street, or with your family or even your doula (!) should feel entirely like you are an adult having a conversation with another adult. 

You should feel respected, and you should feel heard. 

Your questions are valid and you should never be made to feel stupid or ignorant. When couples say “I don’t even know what I don’t know!” I remind them that each and every day we navigate new experiences where someone else knows more than we do. Buying meat at the butcher? You tell them what you want and they give you options. At the garage? You DEFINITELY ask them to go over the costs of the repairs and then maybe you call your mechanic friend in another city to ask their advice. Doing your taxes? You sit down with your accountant to go over the different ways to maximise your deductions. 

But suddenly we find ourselves pregnant and sitting in a Drs office feeling completely out of our comfort zone and we don’t think it’s our place to ask questions. Or maybe you’re made to feel that something you brought up is silly and you shouldn’t worry your little head about it. 

In every other department in the hospital you will find patients discussing their options for their care, asking questions about the diagnosis, and working through the benefits and risks. It is not different for you just because you’re having a baby. 

If you have trouble feeling heard or get anxiety just trying to speak about your pregnancy and birth, I suggest writing down your questions in advance. Practice using BRAIN (special tool that stands for Benefits, Risks, Alternatives, Intuition, Nothing/Not Now). Ask for the medical research to understand things your Dr brings up so that you’re on the same page.(It’s actually much easier to understand that you might think!) 

Know that you have a voice and it should be heard. Your voice represents your baby and it’s up to you to speak for them. You deserve to be listened to and respected when it comes to your prenatal care.